CLARENCE's DRAGON, A Fortunate Wrong Turn.

A, B, C (Cats) + D(Dragons) #9.

Oct 01, 2024

Ed: Another of the stories transcribed for the Humber Mouth Literary Festival, orated by our Pal Karel Lewis, as was it’s prelude - “Clarence the Rescue Cat” - published here on 16th April.

’Allo Agin ! Time fer anuther update on Clarence, see. Yon Young moggie were ‘appily ensconced awhile at Jenny Lovely’s ‘Oliday Hestablishment per Exellence, but when Jenny noticed ‘ow hupset ‘e were when heach of ‘is new muckers went ‘ome, she moved ‘im inter ‘er own bungalow. Made ‘im feel reet made up, like. Some hevenins ‘ed sit on ‘er lap watchin telly, as yer do….

Now, did yer know that cats are born speaking Kattish ? Well, Jenny’s Lovely’s life wuz orl about cats, sithee, so she’d picked up a fair bit of that language. Aye ! No kiddin’, like. She were in ‘abbit of translating Umaenglish inter Kattish, an’ it werent long hafore little Clarry got good at it… (even figured out ‘ow ter work the remote !) Travel an’ sport were ‘is faves, so can yer himagin’ ‘is deeeelight when “Tour de France” wuz on !? Wow !!

A few weeks later they wuz watchin a Victorian Era prog tergither, depictin’ tall ‘ats an longtail coats riding the popyuler bike o’ day. Yer must av seen ‘em - one girt big wheel an’ a diddy one be’ind, Penny Farthings they called ‘em, ter coin a phrase. “Oooh Jen !! Lookit that !! can I get one ?” “Why you daft bat ! How would you ride one with your short legs ?” Clarry wuz momentarily a nonplussed puss, then - “Dunno, must be a way somehow. Ride it in Tour DifFerance!!” “Oh Aye” sez Jenny, laughin’ like Billyoh “Somewhere out there in Our World, there Will be a solution !”

Next thing Clarry sees is Dick Whittington’s Hadventures wi’ Puss in Boots, an off ‘e scarpers to find a suitable shoulderstick “Jenny, can I borrer thy big red spotted ‘anky yer never use, pleeeease ?” “Course you can, but what for ?” “London looks like a good spot to find solutions, erm, which way is it ?” “Straight down Priory Rd, over the Humber Bridge, keep heading south for about 200 miles, might take a while, but you are always welcome to come back home here.”

Fust thing in the morning, lovely Jenny make up some mouse and garlic paste sandwiches, which she rolls up with a slice of leaky milk pie in yon spotted ‘anky. Then it’s big hugs time an’ orf he goes whistling “I love to go a wanderin”. Forgets Jenny’s careful directions, turns left near Priory, oopslike, finds ‘imself on Cott Road hinstead, which ‘e recognises, so that’s orlreet fer next few ‘ours. an’ then chases a rabbit down Frog Hall Lane inter garden at Kingstown Boathouse. Sit’s a bit on raised Riverbank, munchin’ sarnies an’ pie, wonders if Dick Whittington is still Mayor, an’ if Puss ‘as any useful tips on solution findin’ - hafore dozin’ off, till after dark.

There’s voices, then music in garden. Lotser interesting rare garbed comings and goings, but it’s not huntil bonfire dies down that he gets close ter now safely snoring bods on Summer Grass. Next morning, yon bods are mighty surprised t’ear a moggie rattlin’ haway ovver ‘is plans ter ride a bike. Most of ‘em decided they wuz still in last night’s smokey version o’ reality - but not me ! - Naaah ! I felt there sure wuz more ter this tale, so I hinvited our new freaky chum ter stick around. Suggested ‘e might get some ‘elp from our creative crew, mebbe C.E. would av ideas… “What ! You know C.E. !?! It was C.E. what brought me to Jenny Lovely’s” “Yup” I sez, “E’s ‘ere a lot, most days” I sez “Then I will indeed stick around” sez Clarry.

What actually ‘appened startled us all.

Middle o’ that afternoon, more o’ crew arrived wi’ instruments an’ loadsa beer, as ever. Little Lee chopped piles o’ bonfire wood, Brian ‘Ed Gardiner tending herb patch, hoffered Clarry a bit o’ catnip, like, tells ‘im all about Boris and Quiet Sue. Boris wuz a grumpy white ‘n ginger Tom wot allowed Brian an Sue ter live in ‘is ‘ouse. Sue an’ Paul ‘ad lived in London, but Brian didn’t think they would av known Dick and Puss there. Which got me thinkin’ about Alice agin’.

Hanyways… round about teatime, tinnies, spliffs an’ sunshine, there wuz this girt loud splashin’ beyond yon banked riverside wot caught our attention “Bloody ‘Ell” gasps Nick the Spanners “Is that a Dragon’s ‘ed comin oop !?” “Nah !” shouts Scruffy Robbo “There’ two of ‘em !!” Clarence’s survival instincts probly bein’ least dulled, like, bolted fer long grass under Burwell Oaks. “Oh ‘Eckers, s’a two ‘edded Dragon, or is this just good stuff we’s on ! - ??” I mused. Well, nobody elsies legs believed it were real, which is why nobody elsies legs got upter run. Mind you, that wuz not ter say nobody were nervous. Cool ‘Ermit Rick, inspired by the moment, offers Dragon a tinniebeer “Don’t mind if we do” sez one ‘ed “We’ll ave one each, ef yers don’t mind” sez t’other. Nobody wuz in a mind ter mind, too stunned thasees. Talkin’ Cats ! Talkin’ two ‘edded Dragons !! WOTT ??

“Yer just passin’ thru ?” asked Little Lee, orl ‘opeful, like. “Not sure yet, weve come ter ‘elp get the Tories out o’ Yorickshire” sez Chinese lookin ‘ed. Western lookin’ ed sez “Weve been summonsed by C.E., not an offer we could refuse, eh” “No sweat” I sez “Should be ‘ere soon, but ’es got Clarry the Cat ter meet fust” “No probs Pal, there’s plenty ‘o beer, eh” sez both ‘eds tergither, laffin, like.

Clarry’s ears being well tuned, ‘ad picked up agin on C.E. an’ ‘isself bein’ aspoken of, drifted, curious-cum-cautious like, nearter Dragon, hasks ‘is name “I’m George” sez Eurohead “An’ I’m Chen” sez t’other. Then tergither “Often known, collectively, as the Great Yorkshire Dragon, GYD fer short, but that’s hanother story”.

Clarry and Gyd nattered ‘appily on for ‘ours, wi’ Gyd hexplainin’ why Roman Hinvasion of Britain wuz reason that most folks don’t believe that Dragons are Real. ‘Cos back in days when it were considered that :- Fire Breathin’ Dragon aginst a Lance thrustin’ Sward wielding Armored Orse ridin’ Knight of the Realm wi’ a pack o’dogs wuz a jolly hafternoon’s hentertainment and battle skill honin’ event - Wuz a Fair an’ Equal Contest…. But wot were simply not cricket wuz when :- Same Dragon ‘ad ter face an entire Legion of ‘undreads of net an’ trident swingin’ screaming idjits wot didn’t even scream in same language, well, ow could that be Fair an’ Equal, huh ?? So as to even thing up a bit - Dragon’s ad ter go Hinvisible, see !!?

Most o’ Kingstown Boathouse merrycrew wuz familiar wi’ concepts, but it were orl brand new stuff fer young Clarry. ‘E ‘ad so many questions, that London might av ter wait a bit, but then C.E. finally arrived, so after big hugs time, C.E. gets down ter bizniz wi’ Dragon, an’ Clarry, orl nonplussed agin drifts ovver ter me. Well I clues ’im up a bit more on ‘istory side, like, but when ‘e hasks “Wot’s Hinvisible, Karel ?” I sez “Hoh, yons a Heuphemism fer Shapeshiftin’ - an ‘as that were wot GYD proposed at very Fust National Conference ‘o Dragonkind, yer’d best be haskin’ GYD isself” Clarry looks at me blank a while then hasks “Wots a Heuphemism Karel, an’ wots Shapeshiftin’ ?” “Sleep on it Kiddo” I tells ‘im “S‘nother story, ‘nother day”.

BTW, more soon, an’ I’d like ter dedicate these tails ter t’unrequited Love o’ my Life, my Hinspirer, Alice. Maurice sez it’ll be good fer my sole.